Monday, July 26, 2010

Warning: Random Thoughts Ahead!

I just celebrated my 33rd birthday. It was a wonderful, relaxing day and I am overwhelmingly blessed with friends and family who made that day (and the 2 days before!) very special. However, I had what can be called a breakdown moment on my birthday. You see, I never freaked out about turning 30. I felt the same, I was happy with life--what's the big deal? The next 2 consecutive years were the same. The numbers don't really phase me (yet)....except when someone asks how old I am and I actually have to pause and think a minute. Enter 33.

Fifteen years ago my older brother passed away suddenly and tragically. He was 33. I was 18. For whatever reason, this hit me very hard on the day my 33rd year arrived. My brothers were a good bit older when I came along--17, 15, and 6 respectively. I was the only girl. And regardless of their behavior in my formative years, I truly did revere them as "my big brothers." In my mind (especially with the 2 oldest), I am pretty sure I assumed they were older, wiser, and had lived a really, really long time.

I stand corrected now as an adult. 33 is not long enough. It is also not necessarily "older and wiser." At the time he was gone, he was just getting started. This also means that his wife was only 28. His children were near the same age as my own. It hit me with such gravity and made me realize so many things that I just did not know or understand at that time. So as I cried/had a breakdown/ my vehicle on the way to my lovely birthday party that my dear friends planned, I came to several conclusions. Just humor me. It's still my birthday week.

No matter how many years you get, life is short. I want to make the most of it. But more than that, I want to know that I fulfilled the purpose that God had for me to do. Right now I feel like I am still not quite sure what that is. I jokingly (well, sort of) said to my friend Tiffany that Jesus was only 33 and He had already completed the entire plan of God for all time. If you know Tiffany, you can imagine the look I was given. And then we laughed. She was right. Son of God and all. I know. I was being dramatic. Neverthless, it's something to ponder. What in the world am I doing with the time I have been given?

Well, as my wise mom said to me--not everyone has one BIG "purpose" or event to carry out. Sometimes, God wants us to surrender to Him in everything that we do each day. Therefore, being a mom is my purpose. Being a wife and a daughter and a friend and....whatever else those things entail. Being obedient to the things I feel God is saying--even small ones. Sometimes, that's all. And that is enough. Do I want to travel the world and see and do amazing and fabulous things? Sure. But not now. Those are things I will have to put in the "maybe some day" category. And I am ok with that.

At least I have Colombia on my list! I know God has promised us that our daughter is waiting there for us. Until the day that we arrive there, it is my job to prepare. On the outside, I'm sure that looks like small potatoes. But here, in my heart and my day-to-day "stuff," it's a pretty big deal. So is doing my best to take care of my precious family. I guess making lunches and waiting in that car-rider line every afternoon has its value after all. Hopefully this year of being 33 will be a great one. I will certainly appreciate it. And I am grateful for those of you who will travel it with me.

Acknowledgements: the writer would like to thank the wonderful Karen Collins for allowing me to be a sobbing mess on my own birthday and for still reminding me I was not crazy. Lies, all lies..... :)


  1. What a wonderful post (I type as I wipe the tear from my eye). You need to have this published, for real.

    I am glad you had a fun birthday!

  2. Dear Kristi -

    It has been almost THREE months since you have updated me! How will your friends and followers know what is going in your life and adoption if you don't spend more time on me?!

    I am feeling very neglected tonight.

    Come back to me,
    Your blog!